One school day. A boy named Jacob was sitting in class, doing math. It was a couple more minutes until after school. As he was finishing his last sum something caught his eye.
What he saw was out of the window. He turned and glanced at the park outside. It appeared to be a photo. Immediately after the final school bell rang, he ran to the spot where he saw it. He felt extremely eager to know what it was. He blitsed like a speeding car to the picture, assuring that no one else could grab it.
He picked it up and smiled. It had a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever layed eyes upon. She had a red dress that flowed like a waterfall of liquid velvet. With tights on that fitted to perfection. A pair of crimson stilettos that were a fit for a goddess and long glistening dark hair. Her hand was formed into a peace sign, smiling.
She was so georgeous he wanted to meet her, he was obviously love struck. As soon as he layed eyes on that her; she was Jacob’s reason to live, she was the air he breathed, she was energy he needed, she was the only image he could imagine. Thus he couldn’t live without her. Therefore he ran all over the school and asked everyone if they knew her or have ever seen her before. But everyone he asked said “No”. He even began interrogating random people on the street but the response was always the same. He was devastated.
When he was home, he queried his older sister if she knew the girl, but unfortunately she also responded with the word “No”. It was very late; so Tom ascended his staircase, placed the picture on his bedside table and went to sleep.
In the middle of the night Tom was awakened by a light tap on his window, it was like the tapping of a nail. He got scared. He felt sudden vibration throughout his organs and his heart was going ten rounds with his chest. After the tapping he heard a giggle, which made his mind secrete sweat in terror. He saw a shadow near his window, marking the outline of a person. He cautiously got out of his bed and walked toward his window. He opened it up and searched for the source of the creepy laughter. By the time he reached it, it was gone.
The next day, he forgot about his earlier encounter with the unknown and ergo he persisted in asking people about the girl. He asked his neighbours, he asked the postman. Everybody said, “Sorry don’t know” When his mother came home he even begged her if she had met her, (this was his last resort as he knew his mum wouldn’t like him to start dating at his age) She said “I have never seen her”; with a look of slight sense of soreness on her face. Jacob saw this as a warning. He dashed to his room, placed the picture under his pillow this time and dozed off.
Once again he was awakened by a tapping. He took the picture and followed the giggling. He crept downstairs and opened his front door. He walked across the road. When suddenly, BANG! he got hit by a car. He was dead on collision with the 40mph going car he collapsed lifeless to the ground with the picture in his hand.
The driver got out of the car, shocked, and tried to help him, but it was too late. Suddenly he saw the picture and picked it up.
He saw a cute girl holding up three fingers…smiling.

February 4, 2015 at 7:47 am
Jaber, this is a very strong piece of writing that reminds me of a classic fairytale. You echo the style of Phillip Pullman’s version of Grimm’s Tales.
Targets:
1) There are some opportunities to develop descriptive detail that are missed. Try to add some more descriptive language.
2) Could you add an example of figurative language?
3) There are times when you are missing puntuation.
4) There are a few areas where you shoukd start a new sentence rather than using a comma.
5) Try to include at least 1 advanced punctuation feature.
Current grade: 34/40 (B)
March 26, 2015 at 7:36 am
Jaber, there are some errors of extra or repeated words in your writing that could be eradicated with careful proof reading.
You need more varied sentence structures. Too many simple sentences creates a jolly tone.
You have a few full stops where you should have a comma.
34/40 (B)
April 22, 2015 at 10:02 pm
Jaber, you need to have a go at structuring your sentences in more varied forms. Try starting some of your sentences in different ways. At the moment, it feels a little repetitive.